3 Things Every Leader Needs in a Friend

Have you ever said, “It’s lonely at the top?” The pressures and expectations of leadership can easily thrust you into isolation. Yet no matter how good you are, you’re not good enough to lead alone.Yes, you need coaches, consultants, advisors and a great team. And yes, each of these can improve the direction and speed of your life and leadership. But by “lead alone,” I’m talking about something more: friends. In 1961, near the end of his life, baseball legend Ty Cobb made a sad confession. He said, “If I had the chance to live my life over, I’d do things a little different … I’d have more friends.” Friends matter, and in a leader’s life, friends can actually be the safe places where you find encouragement to keep leading (and to enjoy life). In the Old Testament book of Daniel, we read about four friends—Daniel, Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego—who served under King Nebuchadnezzar after being taken captive from Jerusalem to Babylon. Despite living in a polytheistic culture of idolatry, these four friends encouraged each other to maintain a singular devotion to God, and they stood side-by-side through thick and thin. From their lives, we discover these three qualities that leaders today need in a friend.

1. Leaders Need Friends Who Spur Them Toward Growth

During a three-year period of training and preparation, Daniel, Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego received a daily ration of food from the king’s kitchen. Daniel determined that he and his friends would not defile themselves with the king’s food and wine because it was ceremonially unclean and may have been offered as a sacrifice to a Babylonian idol. Instead, Daniel asked the attendant to test them for 10 days on a diet of vegetables and water. After the testing period, Daniel and his friends looked healthier and better nourished than those who ate from the king’s table (Daniel 1:12-14). Daniel not only honored God, he spurred his friends to do the same. His growth helped others grow. His faithfulness helped his friends remain faithful. Apparently Daniel’s strategy paid off.

“God gave these four young men an unusual aptitude for understanding every aspect of literature and wisdom. And God gave Daniel the special ability to interpret the meanings of visions and dreams. … Whenever the king consulted them in any matter requiring wisdom and balanced judgment, he found them 10 times more capable than any of the magicians and enchanters in his entire kingdom.” (Daniel 1:17-20)

To be a 10 times better leader, you have to surround yourself with 10 times better friends. Over the years I’ve discovered that my richest conversations happen with those family members and friends who possess the strongest growth posture. The same is probably true for you. True friends spur you on toward growth. They help you become better than you thought you could be. Hebrews 10:24 says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” If your friends are contributing to a state of mediocrity in your life, maybe it’s time to seek out some new friends.

2. Leaders Need Friends Who Support Them in Prayer

This really is a game changer in friendship. It’s easy to overlook, and even easier to forsake, but praying friends can make the difference in your life and leadership. When King Nebuchadnezzar had a troubling dream that none of his magicians or enchanters could interpret, he ordered that they all be killed … including Daniel. Handling the situation with wisdom and discretion (Daniel 2:14), Daniel convinced the king to give him more time. How did Daniel spend those precious minutes? He went home and told his friends what happened, and then he urged them to pray.

“He urged them to ask the God of heaven to show them his mercy by telling them the secret, so they would not be executed along with the other wise men of Babylon. That night the secret was revealed to Daniel in a vision. Then Daniel praised the God of heaven.” (Daniel 2:17-19)

When your neck is on the line, you don’t need friends to sympathize with you; you need friends to support you in prayer. Sympathy is reserved for when the battle is already lost. Prayer is what wins the battle. That’s what happened to Daniel. Because he and his friends prayed, God revealed the dream and its meaning. As a result, the king promoted Daniel to be ruler over the entire province of Babylon and chief over all of the wise men. Then Daniel—remembering his friends—convinced the king to appoint Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego to be in charge of all of the affairs of Babylon. When God promotes you, don’t forget your friends who prayed you there. When your back is against the wall, and your life is hanging in the balance, seek out praying friends. Better yet, seek them out before the storm ever rolls in. In 2014, when my life was hanging in the balance because the mitral valve in my heart suddenly ruptured, Karen, Ashley and I didn’t need friends to just sympathize with us. The battle was on, not over. What we needed most was friends to support us in prayer in the darkest hour of our lives … and that’s exactly what happened. I literally “felt” the prayers of hundreds of people who stood in the gap for me. When your life or leadership hits a wall, who can you go to for prayer?

3. Leaders Need Friends Who Stand With Them in the Fire

When Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego refused to bow to King Nebuchadnezzar’s 90-foot tall statue, they were thrown into a blazing furnace … but they didn’t die. Nebuchadnezzar jumped to his feet when he saw four men walking around in the fire, and the fourth man looked like a god. After emerging from the fire, these three friends didn’t even smell like smoke. In that moment, Nebuchadnezzar made a decree that if anybody spoke a word against Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego’s God, they would be torn limb from limb and their houses would be turned into heaps of rubble (Daniel 3:28-29). Then the king gave each of them a promotion. Notice the depth of their friendship. When the king issued his decree, Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego refused to buckle under the pressure. They stood with each other when they faced the fire. If one went, they all went. They didn’t jump ship. Not one of them said to the others, “Good luck! I’m bowing down.” They stood together and found encouragement from one another when they needed it most. The people you invest relational equity with are the only ones who will stand with you in the fire. All others will quietly look the other way. In his book Leading on Empty, Wayne Cordeiro captures the importance of intentionally slowing down to make this investment into friendships. Cordeiro observes:

“Friends are rare these days, but it is not because they have diminished in importance. It is because we have increased in speed. Friendships are not made in the blur of life. They are made in the margins.”

I’ve discovered personally that you have to cultivate community before the storm, lean on community during the storm and serve community after the storm. What are you doing to slow down your life and develop a sustainable leadership pace, so that you can invest in true friendships? You need friends. You need people who will love you for who you are. You need friends that can spur you toward growth, pray for you and stand with you when it feels like everything is against you. Friendships like that help leaders stay in the game for the long haul.