What do you know about yourself? Well, probably more than anyone, right? And yet every one of us gets surprised when, from time to time, our spouse points out something we had no idea we did or were like. Like telling you that you’re a loud eater (nobody can watch themselves eat), or that no, those pants and that shirt don’t match. Those are little things, but self-awareness runs much deeper among great leaders. The best leaders become students of themselves. This isn’t some strange form of narcissism or self-absorption. Just the opposite. The best leaders ask themselves and others piercing questions. They’re relentlessly honest with themselves about their strengths and weaknesses. Top leaders realize it’s easy to ignore the hard questions and even to lie to themselves. They soberly embrace the truth that of all the lies we tell, the lies we tell ourselves are the most deadly. Over the last three years, I’ve interviewed over 160 top leaders in ministry and business for my Leadership Podcast. You can subscribe here for free. When I think back over all the leaders I’ve talked to, here are five things I’ve seen the best leaders be extremely realistic about.

1. The Conditions That Make Them Thrive

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, watching other leaders and reflecting on my own life and leadership. I think people are like plants; the right eco-system helps them thrive. In the same way that every plant has an ideal soil composition, hydration and humidity level and even hours of sunlight, every leader has conditions that make him or her thrive. Some thrive at 40 hours a week. Others at 50-60. (My ideal is 55 hours a week. Less and I’m bored. More and I’m overwhelmed.) Some leaders are office people; others more coffee shop people; others operate best with location independence. Ditto with morning people and night owls. The best leaders even know how much time they should ideally spend in meetings and spend alone. They know how many days off keep them at their best, and they know how much time they should devote to hobbies, outside interests and friendships to keep them at their best. If you’re withering and dying, chances are something’s off in your eco-system.

2. The Dark Side of Their Motivation

Here’s the truth: Your motives are mixed. As pure as we all want to be, everyone has enough “self” in them to ruin anything. Any leader who thinks their motives are 100 percent pure is a dangerous leader. They never are. The danger comes not because their motives are mixed, but because they can’t see that their motives are mixed. Are you getting married because of what you expect to get from her or because of what you want to give to her in love? There’s a big difference. One sows seeds for chronic disappointment. Another sows the seeds for a Christ-dependent marriage. Do you want your church to grow because you really want to reach people or because it will look good on you? Do I want people to read this post because I think it will help them or because I want to see how many people read it? Did you leave that comment on social because you cared? Or because you’re trying to make a name for yourself, hurt someone or show the world how smart you are? I know these are awkward questions, but they will push you to brutal self-honesty. Even more than that, they will be questions you bring to God. They’ll fuel your confession. They’ll frame your repentance. They’re the questions that will change you forever. It’s not like you’re going to solve the problem of motivation. You’re human. Your motives will always be mixed. But if you ask yourself the hard questions, other people won’t need to. Or at least they won’t need to nearly as frequently.

3. The Gap Between Who They Are Privately and Who They Are Publicly

In the same way that our motives get mixed, there’s almost always a gap between who you are privately and who you are publicly. Ideally, you should think there’s more of a gap than other people do. And if you think there’s no gap (when of course, there is) you’re in trouble. The problem stems from this: In public, you want to put on a great face. But in private, you feel like you can be yourself. Our neighbours moved recently, and after we caught up with them I was joking around with them. I said to my friend, “I’m sure there were moments where you heard the pastor and his wife arguing. That must have been amazing.” He said, “Are you kidding me? We never heard you. Not once. Are you telling me you never heard us?” “Actually,” I replied, “I never did.” Life’s like that, isn’t it? Sometimes you’re yelling at the production crew and the next moment you’re on stage welcoming people. That sucks. One of my goals in life is to make the gap between public and private as thin as possible. That happens in two ways.

1. Be more honest in your public talk. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. (We have a great marriage overall, but we’ve had to fight for it. I wrote about that here.)
2. Show more integrity in your private walk. Character is who you are when nobody’s looking. Take all the efforts you put into looking good in public into the private moments when no one’s around.

The leaders I respect the most are the people with whom you get no surprises. Their public talk is honest. Their private walk is sometimes even better than their public talk. In an age where authenticity is a non-negotiate, gaps between who are you publicly and who you are privately are deadly.

4. Their Limits

If you’re young, it’s easy to think you have no limits. Your energy seems boundless, you can do anything you put your mind to and the future is bright. But the truth is all of us have limits. And the older I get, the more I’m aware of mine. I hate that I have limits, but the more I operate within them, the better I get. I’ve learned this from so many of the great leaders I know. This is true of everything from your physical limits to your skill set limits. Right now I’m planning the details of my speaking calendar for 18 months. As much as I hate it and I think it makes me sound wimpy, if I have an all-day event planned where I’m speaking morning, afternoon and evening, I always ask if I can head back to the hotel for three hours in the late afternoon. Sometimes I sleep. Sometimes I just need to refuel alone. I still hate admitting that this is true. I wish I was a robot who could go non-stop, but I know that if I go all day for multiple days a few things will happen:

• I’ll be less than stellar in the evening session.
• I’ll be exhausted the next day (and not much good to anyone).
• If I keep it up, I’ll burn out. (That happened to me over a decade ago, and I never want to go back.)

I’ve realized this: The more I respect my limits, the better I’ll perform. There is far more freedom within limits than there is outside of them. Everyone’s limits are different. I know mine. The same is true with skill set. You can train yourself to do almost anything, but you’re likely only going to excel at a few things. The best leaders aren’t generalists, they’re specialists. They’ve learned that if they stick to their lane, not only do they perform at a higher level, but it frees up many roles for others to join their team (whether staff or volunteer). The older I get and the longer I lead, the more I realize I’m only really good at one or two things. That’s it. Sticking to your key gifting releases other people to operate in their gifting.

5. How They Make Others Feel

There are no neutral interactions. You either leave the people you meet feeling better or feeling worse. Yet many people have no idea effect they have on others. Good leaders know that they always leave others feeling one way or another, and they go out of their way to make sure they leave people feeling better.